Some people say that you can never be too thin or too rich. I always liked that saying, having never been too much of either, though I have to say that when I see an anorexic it makes me very upset. I am not thinking anorexics, but rather super skinny model like waifs, or glamorous women in their fabulous outfits, long legs flashing on top of very high stilettos.
I have never been too rich, but now some people are actually telling me that I’m too thin. What a problem, right? I have been chowing down on french fries, cheeseburgers, guacamole and pizza, not to mention bagels every day and lots more (in anticipation of the disgusting rabbit and duck that will be served at the dinner I am attending tonight). Please darling husband, tell them I’m a vegetarian quickly before I starve! I will eat the lamb chops though, so maybe tell them I’m allergic to duck and rabbit — anything!
Am I trying to lose weight?
Am I training for a marathon this year?
“You’re too thin,” my gorgeous young gay male dermatologist told me last week.
“Really?” I asked coyly. “Does it look good?”
“You’re actually too thin,” he replied. Then he went on to tell me some Catherine Deneuve story where she said it’s either the butt or the face. Funny, those are just the two areas that I was in discussing with him (both are drooping more than usual… age or weight loss I wanted to know?). Apparently if your face is full enough your butt is too big (a problem I have never had but wouldn’t mind actually), but if your butt is just right your face sags.
Oy! What’s a woman over fifty to do? I don’t want the knife under any circumstances, appealing as the results could be (that is, if I don’t die on the table or shortly afterwards from complications). How much money does a woman really need to spend at fifty-one years of age to have a relatively unlined face, an unwrinkled neck and a butt that doesn’t look like it belongs on the body of Phyllis Diller (rest her soul)?
I train every day. I run. I bike. I work out with a trainer. I do yoga. I go to barre classes. I do squats, and lunges, and core training, and weight training, and push-ups, and sit-ups, and pull-ups, but gravity is not listening any more. I have to be in a bikini again soon.
Help me trainer! Help me dermatologist! What should I do? Eat even more to try to plump it all out again? With my luck it will turn to plump droopy butt and face rather than thin droopy butt and face. Have I passed my prime?