Only in My Dreams

Only in my dreams do I get to spend time with my grandfather Ikey, my grandmother Nana and my mother. They have all passed away, hopefully to a better place, and I miss them terribly all the time.

My grandmother Nana died when I was seventeen. She was my best friend. I called her every single day after school and she listened joyfully to my tales. I came into the city on weekends and slept on her couch on Sutton Place, watching the tugboats as they travelled up and down the East River. When I got tired of this I would go into my grandmother’s all pink bedroom and watch her sleep until my gaze woke her up and we could spend the day together. I have missed her every day since she died and I dream of her often, and vividly. She was only sixty-one when she died — way too early, but peacefully.

Recently my dreams of my Nana have revolved around her being in the city, but not willing to see my. My grandfather Ikey will not see me either, but I finally get together with him and he cries to me, explaining that she is about to die of cancer and he doesn’t want anyone to see her. She is too proud and wants to be remembered in her glory, with her custom tailored suits and matching hats for every outfit, her make-up perfect, her bleached blonde hair back, and her jewelry big and beautiful. Ikey and I hold each other and hold each other and cannot let go. My mother looks on from the side, but does not comment. I beg to see Nana, promising him that it will make her feel better and that I will love her always no matter how sick she is, how frail and undone she may look. He admits that she has tried to call me recently, valiantly dialing my number, but receives a message that the number is not active.

These dreams will not go away. I love them because they bring me close again to my mother, my Ikey, my Nana, but they leave me feeling sad when I awaken, knowing that I will never see them again, never hold them in my arms, never hear their voices.

I miss you Nana. I miss you Ikey. I miss you Mommy. You will always be alive in my dreams and in my memory. And I hope that one day, if there truly is an afterlife, that we are reunited for eternity.

Rest in peace my lovelies. Rest in peace.


About mallorylayne

midlife mom seeking meaning for the rest of her life.
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