Barbara Walters and I Both Want Simon Cowell

Barbara Walters is amazing.  Did you know that she was born in 1929? You do the math.  She is no youngster, but she is still current.  A few days ago she was wearing black almost-bell-bottoms with a red shirt and a big belt and she looked a little bit like a hipster from the neck down.  She is adorable.

While interviewing people for her Ten Most Interesting People of the Year show, she fell in love with Simon Cowell.  Join the club Barbara.  I have been in love with him since the first day I saw him on “American Idol”.  Barbara Walters always manages to unearth some new information though, and this interview was no exception.

He’s worth $320 million dollars.  He stays up all night.  The reason he and Paula Abdul didn’t used to like each other? It’s obvious to him: she wanted to sleep with him.  Well who doesn’t? He said he thought about it, but decided that he wouldn’t be happy about it afterwards.  Good for him.  Most men in his situation wouldn’t have given it any thought at all.

He wakes up to warm water with lemon followed by a series of smoothies, including papaya, spinach and blueberry (not mixed, and not necessarily in that order).  Why? He thinks they keep him young.  And then, just to balance things out, he smokes cigarettes.  He’s a neat freak.  He’s claustrophobic.  He’s a rainmaker, an entrepreneur, an entertainer.  And he’s pretty easy on the eyes.

Barbara, it’s you or me.  Here are your pros: you’re a lot richer than me, you have a much better network than I do.  Here are my pros: I’m younger than you.

Let’s face it though.  No matter how young or rich or well connected we are, we are never going to get him.  I don’t know if anyone will.  He isn’t an easy man to please.  He bores easily.  If I were younger and prettier and richer he would definitely be high on my list of “must have” men.  Who else? Howard Stern.  Roger Federer.  I know that the last two are married, but obviously this is a hypothetical list anyway.  Adam Duritz — he’s single (also certifiably insane, but all in the name of music and talent).  I don’t think fixing his hair would be that difficult.

Barbara, who would you choose? You’ve been single for a long time I think.  Maybe it’s time for a little nooky for you too.  I’m happily married at last and my 80 year old dad has found love again after losing my mom (his partner for 54 years).  Do you need help? I write a mean profile.  Or, we could call Patti Stanger in.

Back to Simon Cowell for a second… LOVE his house! So modern, so open, so neat and clean.  That’s the way I wish I could live every day.  My only problems vs. his? Two teenagers, one very badly behaved dachshund, a new husband with a LOT of stuff (hoarder in training), and no staff.

Boo hoo for me.

Yay for Simon Cowell.  Now I have to start watching The X Factor.  Apparently the viewer numbers are not nearly where he wants them to be, and when Simon’s not happy neither am I.



About mallorylayne

midlife mom seeking meaning for the rest of her life.
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